Plant Whisperer by Rachel Foley

The headphones—if you could call them that—arrived in a glossy white cardboard box she’d had to sign for. She positioned the box in the circle of artificial sunlight on her kitchen table and readied the camera on the tripod. Hair in place, teeth checked, nostrils clear, she smiled wide and pressed ‘Start Live Video.’

“Hello my lovely plant whisperers! Welcome back to my channel. I’m so excited to share with you my unboxing of the FloraPods Pro 900. Thanks to our amazing sponsors! Shall we take a look?”

She scratched at the box’s taped edges as more viewers tuned in.

“Just a…” she said. The tape was impenetrable. She should have peeled it off before starting the live stream. Or thought to grab a knife. Amateur. It had taken months and all of her dignity to get the FloraPods sponsorship in the first place and here she was, about to botch the whole thing.

The comments started pouring in.

Ooh the suspense

Omg feel you. Why do they do that?

#packagingnightmare

A few viewers dropped off before she finally opened the box. Her hands were sweating.

“Nothing wrong with a bit of extra protection,” she said, knowing her sponsors would be watching. She swept the frayed tape and tattered box to one side.

The FloraPods Pro 900 were sleek, made from sustainably sourced bioplastic and natural rubber but with a high tech feel. They weren’t something she would have been able to afford without the sponsorship. She held each pod up to the camera for closer inspection before placing them in her ears.

so cute! <3

#cyborgplantlady

seem overpriced IMO

Fortunately, the setup went smoothly. The viewer count had almost doubled and she was in her groove, now. She reached for the houseplant she’d prepared—a monstera deliciosa that always got her a lot of likes—and dragged it into the shot.

“Let’s see what these plants have to say then, huh?”

She tapped twice on the left FloraPod to activate the listening frequency.

“Powering on,” a voice said.

All was silent for about 20 seconds. Then it began, first as a popping sound she couldn’t quite make out. Then it grew louder as she fingered the plant’s Swiss cheese-like leaves for the camera. She froze, unable to speak. The noise coming from the FloraPods sounded like a woman’s voice, screaming in unrelenting pain.

What is it?

U ok, b? Ur so pale

Looks like she’s seen a ghost

“I think this one must be thirsty,” she said, pushing the pot away. The screaming faded. Her own mouth had gone dry and she attempted a laugh that came out like a cough. She stood, backing away from the monstera.

“Um. I.” She was floundering. There would be a stern email from the sponsors, maybe even a request to reimburse them for the FloraPods, especially now that she’d mangled the box and they’d never be able to resell them. And of course there would be the nasty comments. Her channel wouldn’t survive a catastrophe like this. She had to salvage it.

“All of my plants can’t be this sad,” she said. “Shall we see what the others are saying?”

In a desperate, unrehearsed move, she lifted the camera off the tripod and filmed herself walking to the living room, where she kept the plant collection she hoped would one day make her famous. This was what her followers were here for.She tried to compose herself as she crossed the threshold. “Say hi to my plant babies!”

#jealous

#plantgoals

#junglevibes

This time, the screaming hit her like a wave. It sounded like a hundred cats mating; a deafening chorus of croaking, futile agony. The room began to spin and she steadied herself against a lemon tree to keep from collapsing. It yelped when she grasped its narrow trunk. She jerked back her hand in shock before remembering the camera.

There were more viewers watching now than on any of her previous videos. She had to pull it together or it would be back to waiting tables to pay off her debt. All these plants had been expensive.

“I guess I’ve been slacking on my watering schedule. These guys are not happy. Let’s get some water and see if they start singing another tune.”

Fresh air would be good, she thought. She hobbled toward the back garden to find her watering can and opened the door. A wash of cool breeze swept across her face before the FloraPods kicked in. The wailing of nearby trees, parched honeysuckle and wilting bulbs engulfed her. Their calls, the cries of a thousand blades of yellowing grass, vibrated throughout her entire body and brought her to her knees. Still clutching the camera, she let out an uninhibited, animalistic howl.

#unboxingfail

#scaredofplants

But should we call 911?

The grass was rough and dry against her cheek as she blinked at the camera, which lay no more than a few feet away from her on the lawn. 1 million viewers were tuning in live. 1 million viewers, she smiled. It was the last thing she saw before she closed her eyes.