Twelve Things that Will Occur Immediately Following Your Invention of Teleportation by P.A. Cornell
1. Having just successfully invented teleportation, you’ll take a moment to admire your own skill in miniaturizing the Wearable Teleportation Initiator Device, or WTID (you’re still workshopping the name), to the size of a jellybean. You will literally pat yourself on the back for a job well done because, aside from your cat Quark, no one’s there to see it anyway.
2. Next, you’ll discover that you may in fact have been too adept at miniaturization because while you’re mentally rehearsing your speech for the Nobel Prize acceptance, you’ll inevitably drop the WTID. The tiny device will roll across the floor and under your workstation attracting the attention of Quark.
3. Quark, a being of infinitely more fine-tuned reflexes and physical dexterity than you, will dart across the room and—mistaking the WTID for one of his tuna treats—will ingest it in a single gulp just as you swipe at the device a split second too late to grab it. Quark will then proceed to lick his paw while bestowing upon you his most disdainful look.
4. Just minutes later, Quark will—quite by accident—discover that if he purrs at just the right frequency, he can activate the WTID and teleport to the other side of the room. He will do this multiple times as you run around frantically trying to catch him, until he finally vanishes from sight entirely. Somehow, though you can’t see him, you’ll still feel his look of disdain.
5. You’ll hear noise coming from the kitchen cupboard that has the child lock on it. The one where you keep the good cat food that must be doled out in only limited amounts because Quark is on a vet-recommended diet. When you open the cupboard, you’ll find Quark buried in the bag gorging himself on forbidden kibble, but when you try to grab him, he’ll again teleport free of your grasp.
6. After several unsuccessful attempts, you’ll finally manage to lure Quark into his carrier by putting his favorite jingly mouse toy inside it. Relieved, you’ll load him into the car and start driving to the vet. Halfway there, you’ll turn to reassure Quark that there’s nothing to be afraid of, and only then notice that Quark has again vanished.
7. You’ll drive home, get Quark back in his carrier, load him in the car, and again start driving to the vet, only for him to vanish again halfway there. This will happen twice more before you finally give up. At this point you’ll mentally curse your lack of foresight in only building one WTID. Redundancy is key!
8. You’ll phone the vet and explain the situation. Essentially, that your cat ate your homework. The vet will ask for a description of the WTID and then calmly inform you that Quark will likely pass the device harmlessly within a day or two. Not only are you not looking forward to digging through Quark’s litterbox for a tiny device that in hindsight probably didn’t need to be so small, but this also means a delay in going public with your world-changing invention and getting the attention of Nobel Prize nominators.
9. While you ponder this, Quark—normally an indoor cat—will teleport outside to finally have a shot at catching one of the birds that relentlessly mock him through the window from their perch on your next-door-neighbor’s birdfeeder. While there, the neighbor kid, Eugene (his parents are still workshopping the name), will discover Quark’s new superpower and start tossing treats for Quark to gobble up while teleporting around the yard. An amused Eugene will record this on his phone, then post it online.
10. Following an exhausting day of chasing your teleporting cat around the neighbor’s yard, and an even more exhausting day of trying to explain to an exasperating pre-teen that Quark is on a diet and that he’s eaten way too many treats, you’ll finally give up the chase and collapse into one of the patio chairs. It’s here that you’ll see Quark pause to nibble on the catnip plant the neighbors have been growing on their porch and discover that catnip calms him enough to stop him from teleporting for at least a good hour. You’ll then pay Eugene to bike to the pet shop to stock up on catnip.
11. Eugene’s teleporting cat video will go viral, attracting the attention of the mainstream media, as well as several prominent members of the scientific community, many of them eligible to nominate for the Nobel Prize. Right around the time Quark finally passes the WTID, your phone will start ringing off the hook as people from across the globe call to ask about the technological discovery of the century.
12. As you begin in earnest to draft the first version of your Nobel acceptance speech, you’ll smile at the WTID—now securely stored inside a transparent polymer cube much too large to be ingested by a feline—and finally enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done. You’ll scratch Quark between the ears and call him a ‘good kitty’ while he falls asleep on your lap, and you’ll think maybe he’s earned some more of the good cat food, as a treat.
